I'm Michael. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I am very strong, extremely smart, and good looking. Humility is also a strong point for me. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I will
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my rapier wit, and sensuous godlike flute playing. I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge for the homeless, and moonlight at a soup kitchen. (No soup for you) I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine, , and O I have won the weekend passes. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. Judges believe me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I can rap. I can break dance. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby **** and David Copperfield all in one day and still had time to refurbish my entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I can fly small airplanes. I can operate a backhoe. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I understand the laws of physics, and am aware of the ones that do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. No matter... I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a wok and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning snails. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have helped perform open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. O and my Audi A8 is fast, it can do a minute in 30 seconds. Thats about it. Gotta go, My mom says I gotta go clean my room now...
