I don't know what "a profile that is detailed enough to tell people about me" means, so I'm including the first several chapters of my autobiography here.... After all, I want all you wonderful ladies to write back, don't I?
I'm really funny, except I'm a not comedian because I don't to do it for a living can actually bring people to laughter. And I'm only a member of three 12-Step groups. (I once talked to a comedian who does it for a living. He spends 11 and 1/2 months on the road per year, so he's good at it. He gets steady bookings. He doesn't remember his kids' names, though. I asked him, "How long did it take you to work up /one/ /hour/ of material you could depend on?" I had a feeling he'd know exactly how long, and that the answer would depress me. He said, "About six years."
So, he spends 50 weeks per year doing the same hour of material, three times per night, while desperately trying to find another hour's worth of good material in the next several years.
While some other bastard fathers his next five kids.
Sorry, not interested in that line of work. I prefer just being funny at parties, for free I am a retired toxicologist and aerosol scientist. Neither of those involved making people laugh--except at board meetings, but both paid well. I play trombone professionally, but not too much anymore. I used to play with the Seoul Philharmonic Orchestra, so my oral abilities are incredible. Trust me, if you can play a Mahler Symphony on a trombone that lasts almost two hours and is six movements long, you have some serious oral skills.
I sing at church, but only under duress. They love that I can sight-sing on the psalms, which are in four-part harmony. (Sight-singing is an acquired skill in music school.) (At church, they asked me to stop playing my trombone and euphonium (a baby tuba) because my "joyful sounds" (that is, loudness) caused the congregation to sing "too boisterously" -- the archbishop's actual words -- and we need to "calm things down a bit" during the pandemic. I guess they don't want the congregation exhaling all over each other while singing.)
I nearly died in a bicycle accident two years ago. Without going into TMI, gravity was involved. It turns out the trick is to keep the wheels underneath you when you're cycling. You know, between you and the road. For a fraction of the second, I failed to do that. At 35 miles per hour on a steep downhill, this is not a good idea. It "ended with mishap my wife who put in countless miles to and from Portland during my long hospitalization there, monitored my health care and is one of the reasons I am still alive. (She's a nurse practitioner and kicked major ass on the staff when she saw substandard things going on. She had a 4.0 GPA in grad school and you don't mess with Beth.) She is a reason for my survival, and the helmet. But I've worn her out. (I threw the helmet away. It was REALLY worn out.) I sleep in a separate room from her, because my right leg still seizes up from the left brain injury I sustained in the bike accident.
So, I'm looking for a friend, a kindred spirit, who will enjoy getting to know a low-brass player who's actually pretty funny. Just not paid for it.
That comedian...six years working on one hour of material? Right. In Seoul, we rehearsed Mahler's Second Symphony, a two-hour piece, for five days. Maybe 12 hours of rehearsal. Done. Magnificent performance. (Next....geeze, we probably played the Vieuxtemps /Cello/ /Concerto/ on the next gig. What a nightmare....)
Oh...by the way...I'm rakishly good-looking. In print. Are you? If so, great! If not, who cares? All I want is someone with whom to write humorous messages back and forth (or to and fro).
I am struggling to click the "I am done" box, because a /steak/ is done. I am finished. (Don't these website designers go to high school?)
