I am: short; fat; bald; ugly; a couch potato; wear adult huggies under my one size fits all sweat pants; have no teeth; lots of ear & nose hair; couldn't crawl my way out of a soaked paper bag; unemployed; broke; live in the crawl space of my grandparent's condo; no confidence; no self esteem; no self respect; O.C.D., A.D.D and A.D.H.D too; still a virgin hung like a tribble, but will rock your world like Bucky Larson.
I admit that I can be a dumb*** & an ***hole. Sometimes I can be both at the same time. I won’t open doors for you if you don’t appreciate it, in fact, be careful as I will likely try to trip you as you go through them just for laughs & giggles. I expect you to reach over & unlock my car door after having opened & closed your door for you. If you can’t do that, you have just informed me that it's pretty much all about you & I’ll be dropping you off at the nearest bus stop. Oh, & by the way, the first meet and greet thingy, make sure you bring your magic bag of goodies with you, since it contains your half of the bill. Most of you are serial dating anyways, which by the ways is cool with me & is okay for you, so long as you are a convenience to me & you are paying the bill, but these are the least of your worries.
I leave all my workout clothes, my socks & underwear on the floor in my bedroom ( because that’s where my bowflex machine is ), and yes they stink. After all, the bedroom is only used for sleeping & optional for sex. Should you happen to drop by unexpectedly & you complain about it, then I will insist that you clean it. Not just insist, you must LOVE to do my laundry and look forward to it. Look forward to it like you look forward to shopping at the mall. Look forward to it like you look forward to ending your monthly girly hormonal thingy. I think you get the message?
I expect you to cook for me and clean up my mess after I eat. And by the way, I’m a really messy eater, especially when I forget to wear my bib. I don't do silverware either, I eat like a Neanderthal & love it. Food everywhere, all over my face, on my clothes, in my lap, on the floor, you name it, it's there.
Also, I don’t do romance, I expect action on the first date, ( That’s the one after the Meet & Greet ), especially after going out & pounding back quite a few brewskies & inhaling a few pounds of hot n spicy chicken wings or some good ole fashioned nachos, & I’m talking about big time action, especially if I paid the entire bill, & I won’t be sleeping over either, ( yes this will be at your place because I don’t want you to know where I live ).
I don't do high maintenance, materialistic or superficial woman either. I'm a hard core gamer, & I invest a lot of hours playing C.O.D all day for my welfare cheque & I have better things to do with it then spend it on Honey-Boo-Boo Mamas & Marilyn Monroe Wannabe's.
Double standards are only acceptable by me. I can do whatever the hell I want, but you can't, unless you ask for my permission first.
I will call you names, be judgmental, use what you have entrusted me with & throw it back in your face & I will lie to you within the first 1/2 hour of knowing me. I will also mess with your heart, your emotions & your mind. I speak metaphorically & ambiguously. Facetious & sarcastic by nature. I also love the concept of psychological projection. I am erratic, conflicted, disorganized. Every decision I make is debated, every action I take, questioned. I lack harmony, cohesion, greatness. I will be your undoing. I'm everything that you don't want in a man, & proud to say that I am every woman's worst nightmare.
The words "Later" or " See you" I interpret & use as a drop you like a bad habit line....like hope to never see you again in this life or the next. If I have any suspicions about you whatsoever. I'll dump you as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't do baggage either...Whether it be excess body, your's, your ex's, your ex's psycho gf, or your pets. Kids are cool, so long as they don't live at home, are old enough to buy me beer & are die hard Black Ops fanatics. I would also strongly encourage you to keep your gossip to yourself, ( I have no respect for people that talk $hit about others behind their backs ) I just love posting that $hit on my facebook page.
What is it with single women dog(s)? You get a dog cause you don't have a man, and then when you get a man you have the responsibility of a dog(s). Get a cat for crying out loud, it's a lot easier, plus, a dog is like taking care of a man. WTF were you thinking, or were you just having a blonde or senior's moment? I'm cool with the dog thingy so long as their name isn't "Skippy" & it's gender is female. Women with blow up dogs, that just isn't right!!
Almost forgot, I don't do manic depressives. schizophrenics, or anything else related to psych. med. I have enough voices & mood swings of my own to deal with. ==INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG HEAD==The Bighead says" Based on my research, I can ecstatically confirm & conclude that nymphomaniacs do not embody a psychological disorder. In fact, I encourage you to be proud of who you are, & to execute your God's gifted talents with authority & diligence, & you will therefore be embraced unconditionally with open arms, a six pack of skinny girl white cranberry vodka & a chubby to boot...That is all"==END OF TRANSMISSION
First Date
Meet & Greet: When we meet for the first time, lets get hammered, go back to your place & perform a thorough anthropomorphic study of one another.
And YES, there is a real photo of me on my profile..OMG...SERIOUSLY....I can't believe you asked!! UGH
CLAIMER / DISCLAIMER: If you didn't get a chuckle out of all of that, then unfortunately, you are not the lady for me. It is becoming more apparent that most of you are not embracing the essence of what it is that I am trying to convey in my profile in a facetious, sarcastic & humorous way. Anybody can read, but do you embody the skills to fully comprehend & interpret what it is that you are reading?
Optional profile available upon request.....Must be the Bi-Polar thingy. UGH!!
On a final , extremely honest & serious note: I am quite happy not having a permanent partner in my life, in fact, 80% of my closest friends are female, so there is never a problem obtaining female companionship. However, should a woman enter my life & gain my respect & trust, she may just capture my heart. In return, she will have gained not only her best friend, but a man that will be loyal, respectful, loving, dedicated & committed. A man that will give her his heart, body & soul. A man that will treat her as a lady & appreciate her for who she is. It's not about me making me happy, it's about me, making you happy. Now, I do expect the same in return ( except for the being treated like a lady thingy...LOL), so if you are either incapable or unwilling to do such, then I wish you well in your journey. :-) Live simply, love generously, care deeply & always think HAPPY thoughts.
